Can I share something difficult to talk about?

I love living with you guys. Every moment. Each of you brings to my life energy, laughter, and fun, which I highly value.

I’d like to bring up one thing I’m concerned about.

Now, feedback is the hardest thing to swallow. I feel that. That’s why I’m not sure I’ll ever share this with you. It can do more harm than good, setting people in their ways, getting defenses up. It can block out curiosity and trust.

So I’m writing this for me perhaps.

As a woman, I consider each of you a good man. You are men I choose as friends and meaningful people in my life.

But, as you probably realize, sometimes you make me uncomfortable. Mainly in the way you talk about – and therefore I assume, think and feel about – women.

It’s not overt. You’re not “bad guys.” You’re not “fucking bitches.”

But my point is this: the work we all have to do runs way deeper than we realize.

Often I just listen and feel irritated. I usually can’t put my finger on why, but I finally figured out how to put it in words tonight, so here is my attempt.

Can I ask you a hard question?

Will you promise to give me an honest answer?

There’s two layers to the honest answer – the initial, gut-level reaction, and then the more thought-out logical one. Can you pay attention to both as I ask this question?

Ready?

What is the primary purpose of women?

What was your first, initial reaction? The first thoughts that popped into your head?

Then, what were the secondary thoughts, the ones that you massaged into fitting the mold you’d like?

I can’t read your mind as the reader, so let me share mine next.

My answer is: “The purpose of women is to pursue the God-given desires in her heart for the betterment of humanity.”

I also went back and inserted “dreams” after desires… desires and dreams. Same concept in my mind, but for clarity.

If you were to ask me the purpose of men, I would genuinely say the same thing. “The purpose of men is to pursue the God-given desires (and dreams) in his heart for the betterment of humanity.”

I’d like to add “unique” after-the-fact.

I believe those desires and dreams are unique and individual on some level to every human.

Alright let’s go back to what we were talking about.

I would venture to say that most people’s (and especially men’s) gut-level reaction to “What do you think is the primary purpose of women?” would involve these types of things:

• Sex
• Have kids
• Care for kids
• Maybe help a man
• Maybe inspire (a man?) with beauty

Am I wrong? That as a society there is still a large percentage of people with that gut-level reaction?

Can’t you see why I find that dehumanizing and offensive?

Wouldn’t you feel offended if I deep inside believed that YOUR primary purpose in life (as a man) was to:

• Have kids
• Care for kids
• Maybe help a woman
• Maybe inspire (a woman?) with the way you look haha

I left off sex because a lot of guys probably wouldn’t mind if their purpose in life was to have sex, lol. But surprise surprise, I dare to say MOST women don’t share that sentiment.

So this framework has helped me start to process why seemingly innocent conversations and topics can become really irritating to me –

“Oh, I love when a woman smells good all the time –”

Okay, that’s a primarily sex-based conversation, which has a place in life but it falls on the side of society’s gut reaction towards women instead of the real, meaningful stuff of being a woman (or human, for that fact – God-given dreams and desires that better humanity.)

“She is so pretty, I would marry her. I would die happy.”

Okay, you don’t even know what those God-given dreams and desires in her heart are. How would you know whether or not you would partner with her?

This sounds harsh, but to me, that means that you are potentially shallow and aimless. Or that all you really care about is sex. The types of guys I don’t want to get with anyway.

You could respond, “But men are like that –”

I challenge you to not shirk the responsibility and decisions of your essence, literally your identify, to a nebulous vague group.

Own it.

“I am like that. I value that.”

No more “men” talk.

That is who you are, not who men are.

Cause I know plenty of men who are not.

p.s. If I was known and celebrated for those things – good sex, having kids, caring so well for kids, helping others, being beautiful – if that was my legacy, my fame – I would be a bit devastated. I want to be known for my mind and my writing. Everyone has different things. Some people place priority on those things. Follow whatever unique calling in your heart God has given you.

But its yours alone.