Okay, can I just admit something?

Going to the gym sucks.

What’s crazy is, I’ve always lovedddd going to the gym. I love the environment, the people, the music, the adrenaline or endorphins or whatever good feeling my body produces. I love to sweat.

However, I was always the girl who only stuck out a workout regimen for like, 3 weeks. I was the 3-week-wonder. I would work out enough just to prove to myself that I could really get in shape if I really wanted to.

And then, I’d continue with my life.

For whatever reason, this time I around I’m trying to actually work out. Like, forever. Like, the rest of my life. As I wrote in a previous article, I’m not getting any younger, and the realities of being a wimp as a single independent woman were starting to get to me. The reality of my need to take care of my body was hitting me.

I’ve been a little silent about how that workout adventure has gone. First week was awesome. Went to the gym like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. Felt great. Starry-eyed. Amazed.

Then I didn’t go back to the gym for three weeks straight.

Welp.

Last week, I got back into it, I made it 2x that week for weightlifting.

This week, I am proud to say (I am actually seriously so proud of this) that I just got home from weightlifting session number 2 for my second week.

I meant to hit 3x, but I will take two baby.

I confess it was hard to get back into it last week, because I wasn’t sure if I should start on week 1 all over again or move on to week 2 even though I’m sure my body already lost any gains. I chose week 2 because it still looked pretty simple so I didn’t think I would strain anything. And. My mind couldn’t take the emotional reset of starting at week 1. I’ve done too many week ones in my life. I knew my motivation could not handle it.

So today I finished week 2 (which I guess was week 3 of my program.) I’m just gonna let that soak in for myself for a minute.

……….

And, just to share and be transparent with you all, I hated every minute of it. I can see why so many of us never get a consistent workout regimen in. It sucks. I was tired going in, I’m tired going out.

But I feel pretty satisfied that I forced myself to do something that is good for me that I hated doing.

I’m pretty sure I whispered under my breath multiple times for multiple lifts “sexy body” “sexy body” just remembering why I wanted to be muscular. Well, it’s more to be healthy, but in the moment this seemed more motivating.

I’m hopeful that I won’t hate working out every day as much as I did today, but I just wanted to share that I affirm all y’all workout-haters out there that I feel you. Hopefully next time it is fun, but today it sucked.

My friend Gerald loves the struggle. I think. Or at least he talks about loving the struggle.

I don’t love the struggle as much in the gym, but I realize I do love the struggle when it comes to culture and transition and moving and traveling. I love that awkward period of transition, the horrible reality that everything is changing, that I lose my mind, but it makes me stronger. Ya know, each time it makes me stronger, and I feel that. I feel my emotional muscles tearing, and I know it hurts now but I’m gonna grow later.

Maybe I can eventually feel that for the gym.

I love working out my transition muscles. And that is probably why I choose to continue to transition, to move, to travel, to go. And I guess other people feel the way about change that I feel for the gym. It kind of just sucks.

I’m not really sure there was a point to this reflection. But I really like physical body things like working out or growing muscle, because they are easier to notice, but all of life seems to work that way. I love learning about other life concepts through something so real and tangible as my body.

Today’s realization was that I kind of hate the struggle of growth for my body. I confess. Hand raised. But I really love it for my life and heart and transition muscles. I’m a die hard. I’m just trying to learn to do that in some other areas, cause I know it will make my life richer.

But for now, it sucks.